Thursday, January 31, 2008
Getting Pulled Over
While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk
asked: "Runway too short?"
To which I replied: "I'm late for work."
To which he asked: "What do you do?"
I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch
the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge.."
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk
asked: "Runway too short?"
To which I replied: "I'm late for work."
To which he asked: "What do you do?"
I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"
The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch
the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"
To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge.."
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.
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The Classic Indian Kid in American Class Joke - my personal best
It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar
Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said >'Give me liberty, or give me Death' ?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his
hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back ! said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2007."
Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said >'Give me liberty, or give me Death' ?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his
hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.
"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Chandrashekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."
At that point, a student in the back ! said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2007."