Man and ostrich

This is top class!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' 

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 

'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 

'Same,' says the ostrich. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

 

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" 

Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 

The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

MORAL OF THE STORY: Men's brains work brilliant until they start thinking about a woman!! 

😢😫😜😝😂

the punjab bull

The only cow in Badal, a small village in Punjab, stopped giving milk. 

The village folk then found they could buy a cow in Sialkot quite cheaply.

So, they brought a new cow over from Sialkot. 

She was absolutely wonderful, she produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They then bought a bull from Samralla (Punjab) to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the Samralla bull in the pasture with the Sialkot cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull,  and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the senior Vet from Patiala (Punjab), who was very wise, tell him what was happening and seek his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by any chance, buy this cow in Sialkot?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from  Sialkot. 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Sialkot?"

The Patiala Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is also from Sialkot...

the parrot

Lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person "What's so special about the parrot ?" 

Sales person" this parrot can talk" So the lady asks the parrot " how do i look?" The parrot replies " you look like a Fucking prostitute.

The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude of parrot and she cannot buy it. 

The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 mins. 

The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says "if you disrespect the lady out there I'll soak you in water again" and he takes the parrot back outside. 

The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.

Lady: "if i come home with 1 man what would you think?"

Parrot: "he's your husband"

Lady: "2 men"

Parrot "your husband and his brother"

Lady: "3 men"

Parrot: "your husband, his brother & your brother"

Lady : "4 men"

Parrot: "bring the fucking bucket of water, I already told you she's a prostitute!"

Farmer ducky

Got to share this one. 😂.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very

slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

MORAL:

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.

When you're intelligent, you'll know which half.😜

33 year old woman

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
                  😂😂😂😂