Man and ostrich

This is top class!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. 

The waitress asks them for their orders. 

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' 

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 

'The usual?' asks the waitress. 

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 

'Same,' says the ostrich. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' 

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

 

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" 

Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. 

The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!''

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly.

The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".

MORAL OF THE STORY: Men's brains work brilliant until they start thinking about a woman!! 

😢😫😜😝😂

the punjab bull

The only cow in Badal, a small village in Punjab, stopped giving milk. 

The village folk then found they could buy a cow in Sialkot quite cheaply.

So, they brought a new cow over from Sialkot. 

She was absolutely wonderful, she produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They then bought a bull from Samralla (Punjab) to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the Samralla bull in the pasture with the Sialkot cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull,  and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the senior Vet from Patiala (Punjab), who was very wise, tell him what was happening and seek his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by any chance, buy this cow in Sialkot?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from  Sialkot. 

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Sialkot?"

The Patiala Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

"My wife is also from Sialkot...

the parrot

Lady went to the store to buy a parrot and asks the sales person "What's so special about the parrot ?" 

Sales person" this parrot can talk" So the lady asks the parrot " how do i look?" The parrot replies " you look like a Fucking prostitute.

The lady gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude of parrot and she cannot buy it. 

The sales person tells her to please wait for 2 mins. 

The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says "if you disrespect the lady out there I'll soak you in water again" and he takes the parrot back outside. 

The sales person asked the lady to ask the parrot another question.

Lady: "if i come home with 1 man what would you think?"

Parrot: "he's your husband"

Lady: "2 men"

Parrot "your husband and his brother"

Lady: "3 men"

Parrot: "your husband, his brother & your brother"

Lady : "4 men"

Parrot: "bring the fucking bucket of water, I already told you she's a prostitute!"

Farmer ducky

Got to share this one. 😂.

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Cowra. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very

slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

MORAL:

When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.

When you're intelligent, you'll know which half.😜

33 year old woman

A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
She asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
Teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"

(You'll love this)

God replied:
" I didn't recognize you!!!!!"
                  😂😂😂😂

Electric Fence

Senior Sex --

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"

Starfish

早餐来了😊

A young girl was walking along a beach upon which thousands of starfish had been washed up during a terrible storm. When she came to each starfish, she would pick it up, and throw it back into the ocean. People watched her with amusement.
She had been doing this for some time when a man approached her and said, “Little girl, why are you doing this? Look at this beach! You can’t save all these starfish. You can’t begin to make a difference!”
The girl seemed crushed, suddenly deflated. But after a few moments, she bent down, picked up another starfish, and hurled it as far as she could into the ocean. Then she looked up at the man and replied, “Well, I made a difference to that one!”
The old man looked at the girl inquisitively and thought about what she had done and said. Inspired, he joined the little girl in throwing starfish back into the sea. Soon others joined, and all the starfish were saved.

Happy Sunday! ❤️🙏🏻

Trader Tips

Stolen Car

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

:)))

Atheist

This is humour only :)

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Seniors

SMART WIFE

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens… They didn’t get there by being stupid.

Condoms in Car

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.  So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.  She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding-invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told  me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Pulls Out

SINGAPORE AIRLINES--GOOD ONE.

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? 'The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'  The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.  “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.  Now, let your mother explain that to you.!!!

Catholic

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace’.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence’.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness’.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well….?'

She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 38D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God’.

��

Racism

Quoting from Asia Africa Conference 2015 Jakarta, nice speech by Zimbabwean President Robert Mugabe: "Racism will never end as long as white cars are stil using black tyres. Racism will never end if people still use black to symbolise bad luck and white for peace. Racism will never end if people still wear white clothes to weddings and black clothes to funerals. Racism will never end as long as those who don't pay their bills are blacklisted not whitelisted. Even when playing snooker. You haven't won until you've sunk the black ball, and the white ball must remain on the table. But I don't care, so long as I'm still using white toilet paper to wipe my black ass, I'm fine!"

Inspire

God Exist

DOES GOD EXIST???
   
This is one of the best explanations on the nature of God that I have ever seen...

A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As  the barber began to work, they began to have a good  conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the  barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'

'Why do you say that?' asked the customer.

'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.

Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?

If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.

I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and untrimmed beard.

He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barbershop again and he said to the barber:

'You know what? Barbers do not exist.' 

'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when  people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'

�� BE BLESSED & BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS! ��

Healthy Heart

A Grateful Heart Is A Healthy Heart

That is the takeaway from new research that finds that recognizing and giving thanks for the positive aspects of life can boost mental and physical health of heart patients.

The study, published in the journal Spirituality in Clinical Practice, is the latest to spotlight a mind-body connection in heart health.

“We found that more gratitude in [heart failure] patients was associated with better mood, better sleep, less fatigue, and lower levels of inflammatory biomarkers related to cardiac health,” said lead researcher Paul J. Mills, Professor of family medicine and public health at the University of California-San Diego.

The study involved 186 men and women diagnosed with asymptomatic heart failure for at least 3 months. Using standard psychological tests, the researchers rated the patients’ levels of gratitude and spiritual well-being, based on interviews, and found those with higher scores had better mood, higher quality sleep, more self-efficacy, and less inflammation tied to heart risks.

“We found that spiritual well-being was associated with better mood and sleep, but it was the gratitude aspect of spirituality that accounted for those effects, not spirituality per se,” said Prof. Mills.

“It seems that a more grateful heart is indeed a more healthy heart, and that gratitude journaling is an easy way to support cardiac health.”

Have a terrific weekend.��������

Life

A rare conversation between Ramkrishna Paramahansa & Swami Vivekananda , it's one of  the best message I have come across....

1. Swami Vivekanand:- I can’t find free time. Life has become hectic.

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you free.

2. Swami Vivekanand:- Why has life become complicated now?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Stop analyzing life.. It makes it complicated. Just live it.

3. Swami Vivekanand:- Why are we then constantly unhappy?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Worrying has become your habit. That’s why you are not happy.

4. Swami Vivekanand:- Why do good people always suffer?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don’t suffer.
With that experience their life becomes better, not bitter.

5. Swami Vivekanand:- You mean to say such experience is useful?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Yes. In every term, Experience is a hard teacher. She gives the test first and the lessons .

6. Swami Vivekanand:- Because of so many problems, we don’t know where we are heading…

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides the way.

7. Swami Vivekanand:- Does failure hurt more than moving in the right direction?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you.

8. Swami Vivekanand:- In tough times, how do you stay motivated?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.

9. Swami Vivekanand:- What surprises you about people?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- When they suffer they ask, “why me?” When they prosper, they never ask “Why me?”

10. Swami Vivekanand:- How can I get the best out of life?

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.

11. Swami Vivekanand:- One last question. Sometimes I feel my prayers are not answered.

Ramkrishna Paramahansa:- There are no unanswered prayers. Keep the faith and drop the fear. Life is a mystery to solve, not a problem to resolve. Trust me. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

Share this message with your loved once.
Good morning! Have a wonderful day !

China Airlines

Chinese Southern Airlines  announcement:

Pre-take off announcement on a China Southern Airlines Flight. This is true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Chinese Air Stewardess :
"Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking.
On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to waycome you on board our Bowling 737 fom Shenzhen to Qingtao.

Members of my kew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die.

Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable.

Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit upright and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m..

Hope you would enjoy your fright with us.

☺