Monday, June 15, 2015

Stolen Car

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

:)))

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Atheist

This is humour only :)

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Seniors

SMART WIFE

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens… They didn’t get there by being stupid.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Everyday

With that in mind, here are 15 phrases you should say to yourself every day to help you meet your goals:

"I'm going to succeed at _____." When you tell yourself you'll succeed at a specific task, you're contradicting the self-doubt that could otherwise hold you back.

"I've been successful in the past." Rehearsing specific past successes helps build self-confidence when you need to stretch yourself and try new things.

"I can overcome my fear." Acknowledging your fear is very empowering, and making a choice to overcome it will give you strength and confidence as you face it. Remember, fear only has power if you let it.

"That wasn't as bad as I thought." Many times, the things we fear aren't all that bad--even when they actually happen. By reminding ourselves of this, we empower ourselves the next time we're afraid.

"I did something no one else was willing to do." Big or small, there's something you've done that no one else was willing to do. By patting yourself on the back for it, you strengthen your ability to maintain good habits.

"It's my fault." Taking responsibility for the things we did empowers us to apologize and make the situation better. Just don't blame yourself when it's not your fault!

"I got started!" The first step is always the hardest, and celebrating it is something we all do too little of. Congratulate yourself on getting started--every step from here will be easier.

"You're awesome." No one hears this enough, but it's true of absolutely everyone. We all have different ways that we're awesome, so take the time to remind yourself of yours!

"I don't care what other people think." The truth is that most people think about you far less than you'd assume. So, every so often, remind yourself that other people's opinions don't matter. Be true to yourself.

"They're no different than I am." When you start to judge others to lift yourself up, you're giving yourself a false sense of pride. Instead, admit that everyone is more like you than you realize, and you'll find yourself feeling less isolated and alone.

"I can do this!" Right before you step into a difficult situation or take on a challenge, tell yourself you can do it. Because if you believe you can, you're right!
"This time is an appointment with me." Many people don't make enough time for themselves.

Instead, find a time you can set an appointment with yourself--to look over goals, hit the gym, or just rest. Then keep it!

"I'm not perfect--and that's OK." Feeling like we have to be perfect before we can launch our business or take our next step in life holds many of us back from success. Take a second today to admit that you're not perfect, and that that's perfectly OK.

"That's not my job, but who cares?" Being willing to step above and beyond your specific role is a great way to stand out and get noticed in your work and life. Even if no one knows it but you, you'll feel great knowing you made a difference.

"You're good enough, right now, just like this." We all want to improve, move forward, and accomplish more. However, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we're good enough, right now, today. You'll feel relief and a sense of peace as you accept yourself for who you are.
Talking to yourself may sound like an odd thing to do, but it's extremely effective. Most people have an ongoing monologue in their minds already--success is just a matter of making yours more positive. By saying these 15 things to yourself every day, you'll be well on your way to being successful, accomplishing your goals, and getting more done.
Do you make it a point to say positive things to yourself every day? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below in the comments!