Thursday, May 21, 2015

Seniors

SMART WIFE

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens… They didn’t get there by being stupid.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Everyday

With that in mind, here are 15 phrases you should say to yourself every day to help you meet your goals:

"I'm going to succeed at _____." When you tell yourself you'll succeed at a specific task, you're contradicting the self-doubt that could otherwise hold you back.

"I've been successful in the past." Rehearsing specific past successes helps build self-confidence when you need to stretch yourself and try new things.

"I can overcome my fear." Acknowledging your fear is very empowering, and making a choice to overcome it will give you strength and confidence as you face it. Remember, fear only has power if you let it.

"That wasn't as bad as I thought." Many times, the things we fear aren't all that bad--even when they actually happen. By reminding ourselves of this, we empower ourselves the next time we're afraid.

"I did something no one else was willing to do." Big or small, there's something you've done that no one else was willing to do. By patting yourself on the back for it, you strengthen your ability to maintain good habits.

"It's my fault." Taking responsibility for the things we did empowers us to apologize and make the situation better. Just don't blame yourself when it's not your fault!

"I got started!" The first step is always the hardest, and celebrating it is something we all do too little of. Congratulate yourself on getting started--every step from here will be easier.

"You're awesome." No one hears this enough, but it's true of absolutely everyone. We all have different ways that we're awesome, so take the time to remind yourself of yours!

"I don't care what other people think." The truth is that most people think about you far less than you'd assume. So, every so often, remind yourself that other people's opinions don't matter. Be true to yourself.

"They're no different than I am." When you start to judge others to lift yourself up, you're giving yourself a false sense of pride. Instead, admit that everyone is more like you than you realize, and you'll find yourself feeling less isolated and alone.

"I can do this!" Right before you step into a difficult situation or take on a challenge, tell yourself you can do it. Because if you believe you can, you're right!
"This time is an appointment with me." Many people don't make enough time for themselves.

Instead, find a time you can set an appointment with yourself--to look over goals, hit the gym, or just rest. Then keep it!

"I'm not perfect--and that's OK." Feeling like we have to be perfect before we can launch our business or take our next step in life holds many of us back from success. Take a second today to admit that you're not perfect, and that that's perfectly OK.

"That's not my job, but who cares?" Being willing to step above and beyond your specific role is a great way to stand out and get noticed in your work and life. Even if no one knows it but you, you'll feel great knowing you made a difference.

"You're good enough, right now, just like this." We all want to improve, move forward, and accomplish more. However, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that we're good enough, right now, today. You'll feel relief and a sense of peace as you accept yourself for who you are.
Talking to yourself may sound like an odd thing to do, but it's extremely effective. Most people have an ongoing monologue in their minds already--success is just a matter of making yours more positive. By saying these 15 things to yourself every day, you'll be well on your way to being successful, accomplishing your goals, and getting more done.
Do you make it a point to say positive things to yourself every day? Why or why not? Share your thoughts below in the comments!

 

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Condoms in Car

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.  So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.  She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding-invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told  me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Pulls Out

SINGAPORE AIRLINES--GOOD ONE.

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? 'The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'  The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.  “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.  Now, let your mother explain that to you.!!!

Thursday, April 30, 2015

Catholic

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, 'My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father’.”

The second Catholic man chirps, 'My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him Your Grace’.

The third Catholic gent says, 'My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says Your Eminence’.

The fourth Catholic man chirps, 'My son is the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him Your Holiness’.

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, 'Well….?'

She replies, 'I have a daughter. She is slim, tall and 38D-24-36.
When she walks into a room, people say, Oh My God’.

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