Love them Golfers

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” 


:)

New Jersey Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

SHERLock Tent

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 

	Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
	Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
	Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
	Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
	Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.  

“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”

90 Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard  

:)))

Our Train Scenes

women dont please

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


scroll down

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

 HOW EASY IT IS TO PLEASE A MAN  !!

new store

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by,
put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling' .

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese
tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked:
'What you sell?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

:)

 

Child Intelligence

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he srobert miles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

:)

China's Market Analysis - Recent Fall

i love you TOO

A prisoner escaped from jail. He broke into a house around the corner on Elgin St and finds a young couple in bed.
He gets the guy out of bed and ties him up on a chair, ties the woman to the bed and gets on top of her. kisses her on the neck , then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife; " Listen , this guy looks dangerous! He's probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in a long time. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you. If he gets angry , he may kill us. Be strong honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds" He wasn't kissing my neck he was whispering in my ear. He told me he found you very sexy and asked if we kept any vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you TOO!

:))))

monkey business

Are you currently shaking your head wondering what is going on in the US financial markets? Here is a wee story that illustrates
it beautifully.

'Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20 for a monkey. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so small that it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man nor his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.'

:)))))

history of telecommunication

*_History of Telecommunication_*
* *
*After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year,*

*_Italian scientists_** **found traces of copper wire dating back 100
years *

*and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a
telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Italian's, in the weeks that followed, *

*a _Chinese archaeologist_ dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,
a story in the China Daily read:
'Chinese archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, *

*have concluded their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier than the Italian's.

One week later, the Punjab Times, a local newspaper in India , reported
the following:
After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Amritsar , in the
Indian state of Punjab , *
*Dugdeep** Singh, a self-taught _Indian archaeologist_, reported that he
found absolutely nothing.
Dugdeep has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, India had already
gone wireless.*

:))))))))

Yo Zipper is Down - David Letterman's top ten list

David Letterman's Top Ten List

The Most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down:


10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..
6. Elvis is leaving the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....
I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

A Prayer for her Dad

Foreheads

A man came home from work and was met by his wife who informed him that the kitchen tap was leaking and should be fixed. The man said, as he pointed to his forehead, "Do you see PLUMMER written here?" The wife said she did not.
The next day the man was again met by his wife who informed him that the lamp in the front room did not work properly and should be fixed. The man said, as he pointed to his forehead (again) "Do you see ELECTRICIAN written here?" His wife said that she did not.
The next day the same man was met by his wife who informed him that the hall railing was in need of repair. Again the man pointed to his forehead and said, "Do you see CARPENTER written here?" The wife said she did not.
When the husband came home the next day, he was again met by his wife who informed him that she had been very lucky to get the tap, the light and the railing fixed by a friend of her husband. The husband grunted "HMPH and who was that?" She said, "Your friend Joe fixed everything for me."
The husband wanted to know what Joe had charged.
"Nothing", said the wife. "He said that I could bake him a cake or sleep with
him."
"Well", said the husband, "When are you going to bake him his cake?"
The wife then pointed to her forehead and said "Do you see BETTY CROCKER
written here?".

Men's Perspective

Men's perspective. ..

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

DavidBissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want? Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Anonymous

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." Sam Kinison

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't." James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up. Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... Nash

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to Anonymo

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine. Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive..

Anonymous

Man sued for not doing it

Bill Meets Osama - Jamie Foxx

Credit Card Check

Decline of Civilization

jack the carRipper

Obama a hardcore niga on the inside ! YES !

Singh is King

THIS MAY HELP SAFE A LIFE

Singh Jr

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with
one of her students studying at YPS Patiala.

The teacher asked, "Singh Jr. what is your problem?" Singh Jr. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.

My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took Singh Jr. to the principal's office.

While Singh Jr. waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.

Singh Jr. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Singh Jr.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Singh Jr.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Singh Jr. can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him?"

The principal and Singh Jr. both agree.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?
"Singh Jr., after a moment "Legs."

Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Singh Jr.: "Pockets."

Ms Neelam: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Singh Jr.: Pull his "Pants"

Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Singh Jr.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Singh Jr. was taking charge.
Singh Jr.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...
Singh Jr.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Singh Jr.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get
me up.I get wet before you do.
Singh Jr.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored.The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large
Patiala Vodka peg.
Singh Jr.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good.
Singh Jr.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.
Singh Jr.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
a lot of heat and excitement?
Singh Jr.: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send Singh Jr. to Delhi University, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself!"

Women or the Bridge ?

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head... In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time... Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Men and Woman Thoughts

NOT everyone really helps

Sometimes we over-reach ourselves! And find ourselves over-extended and stuck in a situation that we can't get out of. There is one thing we should always remember.......


Not everyone who shows up.....




Is there to help us !!!!

sIKH PARK FUNNY