Thursday, May 21, 2015

Seniors

SMART WIFE

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens… They didn’t get there by being stupid.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Condoms in Car

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.  So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.  She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding-invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told  me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Pulls Out

SINGAPORE AIRLINES--GOOD ONE.

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? 'The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'  The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.  “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.  Now, let your mother explain that to you.!!!