Sachin 98

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting


A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away.
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......

: Prize winning message of the year :

Wife at night : Tell me how much did Sachin score in 2003 world cup against Pakistan?

Husband : 98, why u are asking ?

Wife : Now tell me why you didn't wish me for my birthday since morning ?

Silence...........……

Husband couldn't even say, I have a bad memory


This is called...
Check n mate...……

A Student who got 0% Marks, was surprised
because his all answers were seemingly correct!Do you feel that he was wrongly penalized??
Q.1- In which battle did Tipu Sultan Die ?..
Ans.- In his Last Battle..
Q.2- Where was the Declaration of Independence Signed?
Ans.- At the Bottom of the Page..
Q.3- What is the Main Reason for Divorce?..
Ans.- Marriage..
Q.4- Ganga Flows in which State ?..
Ans.- Liquid State..
Q.5- When was Mahatma Gandhi Born ?.
Ans.- On His Birthday.
Q.6- How will you Distribute 8 Mangoes among 6 People ?..
Ans.- By Mango Shake..!!
Q.7-where do maximum ice fall noticed in India...???..
Awesome Reply By Student:- .."In whiskey Glass."

Wife Jump

() Husband : (calls up Hotel Manager from room) Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from your hotel window.

() Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is your personal Issue.
() Husband : Goyyala dei ! The window is not opening! This is a maintenance issue ..������

Chef

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??

Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..

Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??

Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.
������

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat."

Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.

Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.


IJK

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Wolf

Salesman

This is awesome!!!!!

A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door….

A lady opened it. Before she could speak... The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow shit on the carpet.

Salesman: - Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit..!!

Lady: Do you need Chili Sauce with that?

Salesman: - Why Madam?

Lady: - Because there's no electricity in the house...!!!

MORAL: - "Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client... & over smartness can be deadly."...



Sex Jokes

Q – Why Are Condoms Transparent?
A – So That Sperms Can At Least Enjoy The Scene Even If Their Entry Is Restricted!

Q – What Is The New Aids Awareness Slogan?
A – Try Different Positions With The Same Woman Instead Of Same Position With Different Women.

Q – What Will Happen If Earth Rotates 30 Times Faster?
A – Men Will Get Their Salary Everyday And Women Will Bleed To Death.

Q – Why Do 90% Girls Have Left Boob Bigger Than Right?
A – Because 90% Boys Are Right Handed.

Q – What Is The Difference Between A Panty & A Stage Curtain?
A – When You Pull Down The Stage Curtain, The Show Is Over, But When You Pull Down The Panty.. It Is Showtime!

Q – What Does A Signboard Out Side A Prostitute’s House Say?
A – Married Men Not Allowed Here. Because We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy.

Q – What Is The Similarity Between A Wife And A Chewing Gum?
A – Both Are Sweet In The Beginning But Become Tasteless And Shapeless Later.

Q – Why Is Sex Like Shaving?
A – Well, Because No Matter How Well You Do It Today. Tomorrow You’ll Have To Do It Again.
Laugh time

1. Question: “Why Can’t Anybody Satisfy A Woman Completely?”
Answer: “Because Nobody Has A Dick Made Of Gold, Decorated With Diamonds And Ejaculates Cash

2. Question: “Why Did Newton Commit Suicide?”
Answer: “Because He Saw A Complete Naked Girl, And Observed Something Going Up In His Pant, Against His Own Laws Of Motion

3. Questions: “Why Do Men Wear Underwear?”
Answer: “As Per Military Rules, All Types Of Weapons Should Be Kept Covered During Peace Time“

4. Questions: “Why Are Vegetarian Women Silent During Sex?”
Answer: “They Are In State Of Shock That A Piece Of Meat Can Give So Much Pleasure“

5. Question: Why Do Women Wear Panty?
Answer: Because State Law Says All Main-Holes Must Be Covered When Not In Use.

Malaysian Jokes

Malaysian Jokes

1.  One fine day, Najib, Muyhiddin and parliament members were on the
     way to a meeting where they all crashed in an accident and was rushed
     to the hospital. When the reporters at the hospital asked, the  doctor shook
     his head "We have done our best to rescue the PM but  ..."
     Reporters:"How about Muyhiddin?"
     Doctor:"We were unable to rescue him either ..."
     Reporters:"Who have you saved?"
     The doctor was excited:" Malaysia  is now saved!"

2.  Election campaign time -- car load of politicians were involved in a car accident.
     A farmer saw and rushed to the scene but all the passengers were dead.
     He buried all the passengers.Few days later, the police in charge found the farmer
     and asked where all the politicians were and was told that they had all been buried.
     Police: "Did they all die?"
     Farmer: "Hmmm.....Dr.Mahathir was screaming that he is still alive when I buried him"
     Police: "Then why did you bury him !!? "
     Farmer: "You know, Dr.M never tells the truth."

:)

Grass Banker

One afternoon a wealthy bank ceo was driving in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the banker said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree".

"Bring them along," the Banker replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the banker answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to mr. Banker and said, "Sir, you are too kind.

Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The banker replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high!"

Lesson: Never trust bankers....and there is nothing like KIND BANKERS !!!

:)))))

Coloured

IPhone 20

Gay Pride

4 friends meet 30 years after
school....

One goes to take food while
the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says his son studied
economics, became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari.

No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said his son became an engineer, started his own
development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked him about his son.

He said his son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.

" Oh no !! " said the father, he is doing good.

" Last week on his birthday
he got a ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his
boyfriends..." .

All the 3 fathers fainted ....

This particular joke won
an award for the Best Joke in a competition held in Britain.

IPhone 7

Wife the wifi

Mom Texts

One World

Ali

Date Models

Truth

After his father's death, the Son decided to leave his mother at old age home and visited her on and off.
- Once he received a call from old age home... Mom very serious... please come to visit.
- Son went  and saw mom very critical, on her dying bed.
- He asked: Mom what can I do for you.
- Mom replied... "Please install fans in the old age home, there are none... Also put a fridge for betterment of food because many times I slept without food".
- Son was surprised and asked: mom, while you were here you never complained, now you have few hours left and you are telling me all this, why?
- Mom replied... "it's OK dear, I've managed with the heat, hunger & pain, but when your children will send you here, I am afraid you will not be able to manage!?
"Truth"

- Truth no 1: Nobody is real in this world except Mother.. 
- Truth no. 2: A poor person has no friends...
- Truth no. 3: People do not like
good thoughts, they like good looks!
- Truth no 4: People respect the money not the person.. 
- Truth no 5: The person you love the most, will hurt you the most!?
- Truth no 6: "Truth is Simple, But, The Moment YOU try to Explain it...
It Becomes Difficult"!?
- Truth no 7: "When you are happy you enjoy the music", but "when you are sad, you understand the lyrics". 
- Truth no 8: IN LIFE Two things define you - "Your patience" when you have nothing... & "Your attitude" when you have everything...

- Rightly said "The internet shows us how small the world is... but a missing plane  shows, how big our planet is.."..

Sports Bloopers

Life Tips

1. Have a firm handshake.
 2. Look people in the eye.
 3. Sing in the shower.
 4. Own a great stereo system.
 5. If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.
 6. Keep secrets.
 7. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.
 8. Always accept an outstretched hand.
 9. Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.
 10. Whistle.
 11. Avoid sarcastic remarks.
 12. Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.
 13. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.
 14. Lend only those books you never care to see again.
 15. Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.
 16. When playing games with children, let them win.
 17. Give people a second chance, but not a third.
 18. Be romantic.
 19. Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.
 20. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.
 21. Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for our convenience, not the caller's.
 22. Be a good loser.
 23. Be a good winner.
 24. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.
 25. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.
 26. Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.
 27. Keep it simple.
 28. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.
 29. Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.
 30. Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets
 31. Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
 32. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.
 33. Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.
 34. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.
 35. Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.
 36. Begin each day with some of your favorite music.
 37. Once in a while, take the scenic route.
 38. Send a lot of Valentine cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'
 39. Answer the phone with enthusiasm and energy in your voice.
 40. Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.
 41. Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.
 42. Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.
 43. Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.
 44. Become someone's hero.
 45. Marry only for love.
 46. Count your blessings.
 47. Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.
 48. Wave at the children on a school bus.
 49. Remember that 80 per cent of the success in any job is based on your ability to deal with people.
 50. Don't expect life to be fair.

Nice Guys

Causeway

Heritage

Deathbed Instructions ��

Ramasamy is on his deathbed. He asked his nurse to be a witness to his will.

His wife, his daughter and two sons are at his bedside..all grieving����...

"So", he says to them:

"Lingam, I want you to take the houses in steven road .."

"Saraswathy, take the apartments over in Bukit timah estate..."

"Jega, I want you to take the offices over in CBD Central...."

"Lulumali, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in tekka"..

The nurse is just so amazed and envy by all this, and as Ramasamy passes away, she says, "Mrs. Lulumali, your husband must have been such a hardworking and rich man to have accumulated all these wealth..for all of you...
...........

Lulumali replies,  "we send newspaper one la!.. ayoyo"

AT n T

Brazil Lost 2

Germany Wins

Germany Bets

Brazil Lost

Stock Quotes

Buy Quality Stocks When They Are Marked Down

For many investors, following the advice of well-known investors is their market strategy. They believe if they invest as the top investors do, they will gain the wealth that the top investors have.

That being the case, Forbes Magazine compiled some good quotes from some of history’s greatest investors.

Warren Buffett’s quote illustrates his focus on value investing. “Whether socks or stocks, I like buying quality merchandise when it is marked down,” said the Berkshire Hathaway (NYSE:BRK-A) co-Founder/CEO.

More from Mr. Buffett, here are 3 of his top quotes;

“It’s far better to buy a wonderful company at a fair price than a fair company at a wonderful price.
“I try to buy stock in businesses that are so wonderful that an idiot can run them. Because sooner or later, one will.
“We’ve long felt that the only value of stock forecasters is to make fortune tellers look good.”
Quotes from some other stock market “Wizards”:

Vanguard Group founder John Bogle said, “Don’t let the miracle of long-term compounding of returns be overwhelmed by the tyranny of long-term compounding of costs.”
Templeton Funds founder John Templeton said, “If you buy the same securities everyone else is buying, you will have the same results as everyone else.”
Equity Groups Investment Chairman Sam Zell said, “Look for good companies with bad balance sheets and understand your downside.”
Peter Lynch, former manager of Fidelity Magellan Fund, said, “Everyone has the brainpower to follow the stock market. If you made it through 5th grade math, you can do it.”
David Tepper, founder of Appaloosa Management, said, “I am the animal at the head of the pack. . . . I either get eaten, or I get the good grass.”
Have a terrific weekend.

Paul Ebelng

Spain vs Holland

Shark Killer

Break Up

Gandhi Anecdote

An interesting anecdote from Mahatma Gandhijis Life :
Absolutely wonderful 

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.
Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him , as he expected.... there were always"arguments" and confrontations.
One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.
Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"
Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."
Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

:)

Traders

KFC