Thursday, December 25, 2008

The New Stock Market Terms

New Stock Market Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Bush comments on Credit crunch

1. The US has made a new weapon of mass destruction that destroys people
but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being
called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas
and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side
nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if
you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't
fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite
candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San
Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General
Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether
that refers to mine or the bank's

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Latest Bank Enquiries

Dear Sir,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly...
If one of my cheques is returned marked 'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

Magued Anis