The New Stock Market Terms

New Stock Market Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market
keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per
share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @
$240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

Bush comments on Credit crunch

1. The US has made a new weapon of mass destruction that destroys people
but keeps the building standing,. Its called the stock market

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being
called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas
and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side
nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if
you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't
fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite
candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San
Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General
Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether
that refers to mine or the bank's

Engris in China

Latest Bank Enquiries

Dear Sir,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly...
If one of my cheques is returned marked 'insufficient funds,' how do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

Magued Anis

real kid calls demolition man

Yogurt Bank Robbery

Bobby letters to God

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.
Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker.
He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year.
Go to your room, Bobby, and think about how you have behaved this year.
Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
**************

Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday.
I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
**************


Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
So he tore up the letter and started over.

**************
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like
A red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend,
Bobby
**************
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

**************
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby

**************

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

**************

Letter 4
God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry.
I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday.
Please! Thank you,
Bobby
**************


Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.
Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church.
Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner.
Little Bobby went into the church and up to the altar.
He looked around to see if anyone was there.
Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Mary.


He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room.

He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Bobby began to write his letter to God.

**************

Letter 5

God,

I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!!!!!!

------------CayoteLives

Bhangra:Mr Bean Style

Business Logic:Bill Gates

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!'
Father: 'But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter.'
Son: 'Well, in that case...ok'

Next Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: 'I have a husband for your daughter.'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!'
Father: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!'
Father: 'But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case...ok'

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude
should be positive


What is Marketing?


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!'
That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, 'He's very
rich. Marry him.'
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.'
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a
drink.
You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer
her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich 'Will you marry me?'
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich, I want to marry you.'
That's Brand Recognition.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me'
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

a woman's 3 wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you..'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.



.....

.....

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that
women never listen...now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Alaska Flight 261

Alaska Flight 261

Recently, some incredible news has been learned regarding the last few minutes of Alaska Airlines flight 261, before it crashed, the end of January. A man related last week that he talked with an Alaska Airlines pilot who is involved in the investigation of the crash of Alaska Flight 261.

The pilot has listened to the cockpit voice recorder from the downed plane and reported that for the last 9 minutes of the flight, the wife of the pastor from Monroe, Washington can be heard sharing the Gospel with the passengers over the airplane's intercom system.(The pastor and his wife were returning from Mexico mission trip.) Just before the final dive into the Pacific Ocean, she can be heard leading the sinners prayer for salvation!

The pilot also told John that the flight data recorder from the plane indicates that there is no good explanation for the plane remaining in the air for those final 9 minutes. But it did remain in the air until the pastor's wife finished sharing the Gospel and presumably lead many to Christ in those final moments.

Interesting, we haven't heard any of this on the evening news...

Thank the Lord for the Internet...please share this with anyone you think might enjoy.

Gypsies wins FBI'S

Subject: PLEASE FORWARD TO ANYONE YOU KNOW IN THE SOUTHEAST!!
From: SA John Stump

****For Immediate Release****
VC#4231-656732 REF#34GA37852 03/02/1999

UNITED STATES FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS

Director:
Louis J. Freeh

Headquarters Address:
Federal Bureau of Investigation
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Telephone:
(202) 324-3000

ACTION: The agency has become aware of a group of gypsies operating in the southeast.

These gypsies are in the employ of the Chinese Communist Party. THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR UP TO 70 CASES OF TESTICLE MUTILATION.

RESULT: The Bureaus investigation into this matter has developed the following profile:

Any male travelling alone in the southeast is at risk. Do not attempt to take unknown women of Turkish descent to your room. Do not attempt to engage any type of sexual behavior with unknown Turkish women.

CASE: These women are responsible for over 70 testicle mutilation cases. They are all very intelligent and should be considered armed and dangerous. By the use of their female attributes, they lure men into positions of seclusion. At this point, they will drug, then remove the testicles of the unsuspecting men. Our investigation has determined that caucasion, black, and hispanic testicles are being sold in China as a form of aphrodesiac. NO ONE HAS LOST HIS LIFE IN THIS WAY. The serious loss of blood is dangerous but should not lead to death.

IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM OF THIS CRIME, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR NEAREST FBI FIELD OFFICE.

EMAIL VER. 2.11 WWW.FBI.GOV ROUTE 32GASCVANCTNAL23053

armstrong vision

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

True story.

Gay mishap

Direct from the LA Times:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Bush-Nigerian Scam letter

Subject: FW: IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,

George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

Origin of the F-word

Variant #1:
Email example contributed by T. McInnis, 22 March 2001:

In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

Variant #2:
From a Usenet posting, 1 November 1990:

The word fuck comes from colonial times, when someone would be punished for 'prostitution' It was an acronym for the words 'For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge' FUCK was written on the stocks that held these criminals because For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge was too long to go on the stocks.

Variant #3:
From a Usenet posting, 12 October 1990:

I always heard that "F.U.C.K." originated in the 1800's in London, when they used to charge prostitutes "For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge". So officer got sick and tired of writing those, um, lessee, 26 characters, not including spaces, so it got abbreviated FUCK and stuck.

Fellatio kills cancer

Text as posted on Usenet, Oct. 9, 2003:

Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women

Thursday, October 2, 2003 Posted: 9:19 AM EDT (1319 GMT)

(AP) -- Women who perform the act of fellatio on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.

Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.

In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurance of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform.

"I think it removes the last shade of doubt that fellatio is actually a healthy act," said Dr. B.J. Sooner of Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who was not involved in the research. "I am surprised by these findings, but am also excited that the researchers may have discovered a relatively easy way to lower the occurance of breast cancer in women."

The University researchers stressed that, though breast cancer is relatively uncommon, any steps taken to reduce the risk would be a wise decision.

"Only with regular performance will your chances be reduced, so I encourage all women out there to make fellatio an important part of their daily routine," said Dr. Inserta Shafteer, one of the researchers at the University. "Since the emergence of the research, I try to fellate at least once every other night to reduce my chances."

The study is reported in Friday's Journal of Medical Research.

In 1991, 43,582 women died of breast cancer, as reported by the National Cancer Institute.

Dr. Len Lictepeen, deputy chief medical officer for the American Cancer Society, said women should not overlook or "play down" these findings.

"This will hopefully change women's practice and patterns, resulting in a severe drop in the future number of cases," Lictepeen said.

Sooner said the research shows no increase in the risk of breast cancer in those who are, for whatever reason, not able to fellate regularly.

"There's definitely fertile ground for more research. Many have stepped forward to volunteer for related research now in the planning stages," he said.

Almost every woman is, at some point, going to perform the act of fellatio, but it is the frequency at which this event occurs that makes the difference, say researchers.

The reasearch consisted of two groups, 6,246 women ages 25 to 45 who had performed fellatio on a regular basis over the past five to ten years, and 9,728 women who had not. The group of women who had performed fellatio had a breast cancer rate of 1.9 percent and the group who had not had a breast cancer rate of 10.4 percent.

"The findings do suggest that there are other causes for breast cancer besides the absence of regular fellatio," Shafteer said. "It's a cause, not THE cause."

Exploading Toilet

The story always entails a man and a sliding glass window that he fails to notice is closed and crashes into. He has the sliding glass door open while mowing the lawn so he can go into the house, get a drink of water and cool off. His wife closes the door when he isn't looking. Bang ! ( Guess u know what happened) Earlier on, Where he was cutting the lawn, he had placed the gasoline for the mower in a glass jar. The wife cleans it up with paper towels in a panic. Later on the wife throws the gasoline soaked towels in the household toilet while the husband was in the route to the hospital. Later that day, when the now heavily-sutured hubby returns home, he decides to use the bathroom. After he sits down, he drops his lit cigarette in the toilet. It explodes, causing 2nd and 3rd degree burns on the man's rear and genitals. Once again, the paramedics come out to take him to the hospital. The doctors or paramedics warn the man that his wife may be trying to kill him.)

urination that kills

There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.

Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.

Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.

Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.

When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.

The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.

Cocaine mis-stolen

A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to cocaine, and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars, "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too with about half of Gertrude's ashes remaining, and there was this note which read, "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

The Colledge Application

Netlore Archive: The most outrageous college application essay ever written
Description: Email hoax / Satire
Circulating since: 1990
Status: Not an actual application essay


Email example contributed by Bruce G., 25 June 2000:

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU in response to this question: 3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? --->> I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college. (The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.)

Good Day :)

two black men in Elevator

Having her hair done at a Dallas beauty parlor, a Woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.

On a recent weekend in Las Vegas, the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black.

One of them was big... very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze.

Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men.

She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator.

Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!

The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then ... one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was so humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor, they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."

It was signed,
Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard

Good day :)

Exclusive: Mr. Gandhi smoking it in Ang Mo Kio, Singapore

Exclusive :Mr. Gandhi smoking it in Ang Mo Kio , Singapore

Loosing 63 pounds with womEn

A guy called a company and ordered their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss programme.

The next day, there was a knock on the door and there
stood before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe
dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign
around her neck.

She introduced herself as a representative of the weight
loss company.

The sign read

"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he took off after her. A few
miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gave up. The
same girl showed up for the next four days and the same thing
happened.

On the fifth day, he weighed himself and was delighted to
find he had lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He then called the company and ordered their 5-day/20 pound
programme.

The next day there was a knock at the door and there
stood the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he had ever
seen in his life.

She was wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign
around her neck that read

"If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he was out of the door after her like a shot. This
girl was in excellent shape and he did his best, but no such
luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happened with him
gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighed himself, he
discovered that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decided to go for broke and called the company to order
the 7-day/50 pound programme.

"Are you sure?" asked the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replied, "I haven't felt this good

in years."

The next day there was a knock at the door; and when he

opened it he found a huge muscular guy standing there
wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his
neck that read

"If I catch you, your ar5e is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.


----------------------------------------------:) CayoteLiVEs

US Marines Vs British Sea

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation
in October 1995,between a US Navy ship and the British authorities
off the north coast of Scotland.The transcript was released by the
MoD on the 10/10/96


BRITISH:
Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.

US NAVY:
Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision.

BRITISH:
Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision

US NAVY:
This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH:
Negative. I say again: divert your course.

US NAVY:
THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN', THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,
THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE
YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER
MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH:
We are a lighthouse. FUCK OFF!

Great Inventors Meet

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcyle, Arthur Davidson, died
and went to heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter told Arthur,
" Since you have been such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you
want in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and said,
" I want to hang out with God "

St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognised Arthur and commented,
" Okay, so you were one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcyle ?"
Arthur said , "Yeah, that;s me ..."

God commented,
" Well, What's the big deal in inventing somehitng that pretty's
unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road ?"

Arthur was apparently embarssed, but finally spoke,
" Excuse me, but aren't you inventor of woman?"

God said, " Ah, yes. "
"Well. " said Arthur, " Professional to Professional, you have
some major flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in front-end protusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous !!!

" Hmmmmmmmmm, you may have some good points there, " replied God,
" Hold on " God went to his Celectial Supercomputer, typed in a few
good words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

" Well, it maybe be true my invention is flawed, " the Almighty
said to Arthur, " But according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours :) "

Ahmed the Arab

Ahmed the Arab came to the Sydney from the Middle
East, and he was only here a few months when he
became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but
none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an
Arab doctor who said,' Take dees bocket, go into de
odder room, shit in de bocket, piss on de shit, and
den put your head down over de bocket and breathe
in de fumes for ten minutes.' Ahmed took the bucket,
went into the other room, shit in the bucket,
pissed on the shit, bent over and breathed in the
fumes for ten minutes. Coming back to the doctor
he said, 'It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong
with me?' The doctor said, 'You were homesick...

Bush and the Parachute Bag

A plane is about crash.
There are 5 passengers on board and only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says :

" I am Ronaldo, the best football player in the world. The football
world needs me, and i cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the parachute and jumps out of the plane.


The second passenger, Hillary Cinton, says :

" I am the wife of the former president of the United States. I am
the Senator of New York and i have a good chance of being the president
of the United States in the future."

She grabs the parachute and jumps off the plane.


The third passenger, George W Bush says:

"I am the president of the United States of America. I have huge
responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president
in the history of the my country and can 't shun the responsibility
to my people by dying."

He grabs a pack and jumps of the plane.


The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a young
school boy:

" I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should
and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of
your life ahead of you."


To this the little boy says:

"Don't fret old man .....
There is a parachute for each of us !!!
The smartest president of America took my schoolbag....."

Best Break Up letter I seen :)

A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from
his girlfriend back home.

It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.


Love,
Becky........


The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for
any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or
ex-girlfriends.

In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other
pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.

Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care

Classic - Safety Awards 2005

SAfety Awards 2005<----Download here :)

Getting Pulled Over

While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than
I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the
other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk


asked: "Runway too short?"


To which I replied: "I'm late for work."


To which he asked: "What do you do?"


I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"


The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what
does a rectum stretcher do?"


"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to
two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side
to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch
the hole, until it's about 6 feet."


Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you
do with a six-foot arsehole?"


To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind
a bridge.."


Speeding ticket: £105.00
Penalty Points : 3
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

One year old Me

SingaporeSexBeast Site :) - CLICK HERE

Fund Charts

Rashpals Blogspot

Useful tips/sites to start Blogging

Praveen's SEArch site

DOWNLOAD minina 3 column script HERE - just copy and paste in blogger at edit html


My Super Template :)

Submit Express


Submit site to Yahoo

Adsense ADDS

GREEN - ADSENSE ADDS

ADSENSE ADDS FOR PICS ONLY


That Monkey Hit counter site

singapore yahoo stocks tickers for amibroker software
Note: the warrants not included on the set ( update 12/4/08)


Full View of Future Singapore MRT/LRT Map ( includes Cirlce Line)

Good DayS:)

The Classic Indian Kid in American Class Joke - my personal best

It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar
Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.


The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who
said >'Give me liberty, or give me Death' ?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his
hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.


"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the
People, shall not perish from the Earth?"


Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Chandrashekhar.


The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its
history than you do."


She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded.


Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back ! said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime
Minister, 1991."


Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck this!"


Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."


Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit
to Chandra Levy, 2001."


The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're f**ked!"


And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2007."