Tuesday, November 24, 2009

New Jersey Hunters

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

Monday, November 23, 2009

SHERLock Tent

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well, 
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Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
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Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. 
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Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. 
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Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
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Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. 
But what does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment.  
Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

90 Old Lady in Court

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:

I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:

Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:

There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:

Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:

No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:

What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:

He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:

No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:

Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:

No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady:

His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:

What happened next?

Little Old Lady:

Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:

Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
 




:)))

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009

women dont please

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


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You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.



'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.




PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

 HOW EASY IT IS TO PLEASE A MAN  !!