Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Med School

MED SCHOOL


First-year students at Med School were receiving

their first anatomy class with a corpse. They all gathered

around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them, 'In medicine,

it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.'


For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger

in his mouth. 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.


The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,

but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt

of the corpse and sucking on it.


When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them

and told them, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.'

:)))

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Priest Collar Joke

A little boy got on the bus, sat next
 to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on
 backwards.
 The little boy asked why he wore his
  collar backwards.
 The man, who was a priest, said,
 'I am a Father.'
 The little boy replied, 'My Daddy
 doesn't wear his collar like that.'
 The priest looked up from his book and
  answered, ''I am the Father of many.'
 The boy said,
 ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two
 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that
 way!'
 The priest, getting impatient, said.
  'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to
 reading his book.
 The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then
 leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom,
 and put your pants on backwards instead of your
 collar."

:)------------------------

Friday, January 15, 2010

Suicide Bombers on Strike

Suicide Bombers threaten to go on Strike
A dispute over the number of Virgins


Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% next January from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this by management is a kick in the teeth." Mr Amir accepted the limited availability of virgins but pointed out that the cutbacks were expected to be borne entirely by the workforce and not by management.

"Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 250,000 virgins," complains Amir. "And you can be sure they'll all be pretty ones too.  How can Al Qaeda afford that for members of the management but not 72 for the people who do the real work?"

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace.

Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife.  It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.  I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

He defended management bonuses by claiming these were necessary to attract good fanatical clerics.  "How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management's last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme was rejected outright after a failure to agree on orifice allocation. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying "I'll be buggered if I'm agreeing to anything like that........it's too much of a mouthful to swallow".

Unless some sort of agreement is reached over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike. Only the North London branch, which has a different union, is likely to continue working.  However, some members of that branch will only be using waist-down explosives in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hell and Physics

The following is an actual question given on a  University of Arizona physics mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. 
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : 
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  
 One student, however, wrote the following: 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. There fore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.  
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:  
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.  
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.  
So which is it?  
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' 
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.