Smart Wishing

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a Genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

The man was ecstatic. "What catch?" he asked.

The Genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari! " POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferrari's," said the Genie.

"Next wish?"

"I'd LOVE a million dollars..." replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"NOW, every lawyer in the world has TWO MILLION dollars," said the Genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?"

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney....

Fastest Builder

An American is in Singapore for a short stay. He gets into a cab and asks the driver to show him the sights. The cabby first takes him to Orchard Road.

"What's that?" says the American.

"Oh, that's Takashimaya shopping center. It's a shopping complex with over 300 stores."

"Gollee," drawls the American. "How long do you reckon it took to put?"

"Oh, I dunno," replies the cabby. "About two years, I think."

"TWO years!" exclaims the American. "Why, in American, we would out that up in less than ONE year!"

The cabby continues on the tour and passes by Shenton Way.

"What's that?" says the American, craning his neck and looking up.

"Oh, That's the UOB Building. It's got 70 stories and about 10,000 people work in that one building."

"Mah Goodness," drawls that American. "How long do you reckon it took to put that up?"

The cabby, not wanting to be outdone this time, said, "Oh, I seem to remember that going up in about six months."

"Six Months!" exclaims the American. "Why, in American, we could put up that building in THREE months!"

The cabby is now getting a little annoyed. He turns west and takes his passenger by another expressway.

"Golleee," drawls the American, looking 1,800 feet up to the top of the tower, "What's that?"

"I dunno," says the cabby. "It wasn't here this morning."

Saddest Story

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

So Bill starts telling jokes.

At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Understanding Women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”

The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”

The man thought about it for a long time.

Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

Lawyer vs Doc

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No.

Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Lock Enquiry

A LAWYER was trying to undermine a police officer's credibility during a cross-examination.

Lawyer: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

Officer: No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Lawyer: Officer, who provided this description?

Officer: The officer who went to the scene.

Lawyer: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

Officer: Yes, sir, with my life.

Lawyer: With your life? Let me ask you this then, officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

Officer: Yes, sir, we do.

Lawyer: Do you have a locker in the room?

Officer: Yes, sir, I do.

Lawyer: Do you have a lock on your locker?

Officer: Yes, sir.

Lawyer: Why is it, then, that if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with them?

Officer: Sir, we share the building with the court complex and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

World Cup Notice

Dear Wife, Partner, Girlfriend, Aunt, Niece, Mothers, Grandmothers, Maids, All women,

1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right after because if you catch a cold, I wont have time to take you to the doctor or look after you during the World Cup month.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it is only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a break up or divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because: a) I will not go, b) I will not go, and c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because after this comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League, Premier League, FA Cup, etc.

Bank Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN:"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure....Go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN:"Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks:

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

:::::::::Jokersbeer

FBI Recruitment

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her."

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Cleverest President

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die."

So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President."

She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower state. Above all I'm the cleverest President in American history, the American people won't let me die".

So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, a Muslim, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old school boy, "I am a Muslim and Allah will decide about my fate, so I will let you have the last parachute.

The boy said, "It's OK, there's a parachute left for you. The Americans' cleverest President has taken my school backpack."

Jokersbeer

Wrong Call

A man joins a big corporation as a trainee.

The first day at work, he dials the canteen and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other end said, "You fool! You've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the company CEO!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to?!"

"No." replied the CEO angrily.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and hangs up the phone

Speilberg hits Iceberg

A Chinese went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg, who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him.
Suddenly, in a flash, the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.
Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?" The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you #$@#$@!!#! My dad perished in that bombing!".
"I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am a Chinese !". "Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese...you are all the same!"
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.
"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer.
"That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese replied.
"You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the producer.
"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg...you are all the same!"

Easy way to 6 pack

Mother And Kids

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Parrot Son

A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes.

His face and ears are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for about ten miles.

Finally the punk gets self conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart, didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"

Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

Kiss And Slap

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks.

Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!"

Speeding Excuse

This Middle aged man was going through his mid-life crisis so he went out and bought him a new bright red BMW. So he decided to take his new BMW on a test drive down the interstate one day.

He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new BMW would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph,and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.

The man finally came to his senses and said to himself, "This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over.

The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."

So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a patrolman and when I seen you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."

The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."

Wife Last Words

Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side.

He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face.

"Mike," she said weakly.

"Hush my darling," he interrupted, "don't talk, save your strength."

But she insisted, "Mike, before I die, there's something that I have to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess that I have been unfaithful to you."

He stroked her hand, "Now, Tina, don't be concerned. I know all about it."

"You do?" she gasped.

"Sure darling, why else would I poison you?"

Swim Pool Challenge

One day this rich guy was having a party at his house. He was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house in Beverly Hills, drugs, girls, cars, planes; anything he wanted.

The guy was also a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles. So there he was, he and his friends all standing around drinking, getting high and partying next to the pool.

The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up. He calls for silence and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money."

No one moves. The guy looks over the crowd, draws on his joint and says, "OK, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money and my house."

Still no one moves. "OK then, the first person that swims across my pool gets all my money, my house and all my cars and planes."

Still, no one moves, not even a eye blinks this time. "OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars, all my planes, all the dope you can handle, all my property, all my stocks and bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle; everything I own."

"Splash!" Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan, he's all over the place, fighting and dodging.

Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side. The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him.

"That was incredible! I never thought that I would ever see that done. Do you want the money now or later?"

"I don't want the money."

"Do you want the house now or later?"

"I don't want the house."

"Do you want the cars and planes now or later? "

"I don't want the cars or planes."

"Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later?"

"I don't want that either."

"Do you want the drugs now or later?"

"I don't want the drugs."

"Do you want the girls now or later?"

"I don't want the girls."

The rich guy looks at him and says "Well, what the hell do you want?!?!"

"I want the bastard that pushed me in."